I’m not going! It’s the day of the celebration. You have 50 things on your mind. You have already handled 50 other things. When you arrive, grandma is not ready, and she insists she ‘s NOT GOING! What do you do now?
Let’s back up to the beginning when you planned the day of the event. Did you assign a person to help grandma as well as bring her to the event? Is this person someone with whom she feels comfortable? Most important: does this person have any other duties that day?
Why does this matter? Because, when we are tense, it can be misread by the special needs person as a cause for alarm. We see this in small children who react when the adults around them are all wound up. It may have nothing to do with them, but they don’t know that and they react. When I approach a senior’s home, I take 2 minutes to take three cleansing breaths. I try to put whatever else I have on my mind onto my “backburner”. A calm demeanor helps the senior to feel calm.
The person assigned to help that day needs to have only those duties. They need to allow extra time, and plenty of it. It may be necessary to “have a cup of tea and chat” before re-presenting the idea of attending the event. It may be necessary to help the person voice any concerns they have about attendance by asking them to recall past events they attended, and then celebrate those successes. Perhaps the attendant might need to make compromises on the spot; such as letting grandma wear a different (more comfortable) pair of shoes, and only put on the pretty ones when the pictures are taken. The special needs person may need reassurance that bathrooms will be conveniently located, and that the attendant will track their pills, oxygen needs, or have the walker along in case they are too tired for the cane.
They may need assurance that they can exit when they need to do so. This last part is the most important. What we consider excitement may be sensory overload to them. The sound of a chair scraping across a floor may cause an ear-splitting resonance through their hearing aid. Offering the special needs person a measure of control over their participation will make things work more smoothly. Grandma could sit in the hall while some of the pictures are taken, and come in when she needs to be in the picture.
Our busy lives run at greater speed than the routines of the senior’s own home, a retirement home, or a nursing home. This day’s celebration represents a great change in routine for them. That takes extra energy on their part to make these adjustments.
Special needs people already expend more energy on “ordinary things” than we do. Do you roll out of bed? How’s their ability to “roll?” Do you hop in the shower? Do they hop? How much time does it take them to complete all their pills or other health-related routines? What level of emotional energy does it take to manage hyper-alertness, or free-floating anxiety, if your special person is a returning veteran? How many reminders do they need just to track through an ordinary day if the special person has memory problems? This celebration is no ordinary day.
Now let’s return to the; I’M NOT GOING! situation. What do you do?
First: get everybody out of the room; it’s just you and grandma.
Second: acknowledge the differences in today’s schedule, and offer to just sit and talk about their past events.
Third: find some point that was positive in past events they attended and celebrate it.
Fourth: re-present the attendance idea obliquely, “I would like to look at the dress you got for today.”
Fifth; give them options such as wearing the dress but carrying the shoes. Ask them how they want the hair done.
Sixth: TAKE YOU TIME! Calmer moves will get you farther. I have seen these delays last up to an hour or more to get things going.
A Senior Moment 