I Want Grandma To Come To My Wedding

Because my daughter is getting married in October, I decided to write these blogs about seniors and celebrations.

 

In ages past, seniors that survived were automatically included in celebrations.  We see this in one of Jane Austen’s novels in which the mother, and her unmarried daughter, are both invited to a ball.  Today, seniors may live in a different town, or a different facility.  Inclusion is not as automatic.  Yet, inclusion can heal.   Involving the senior in the celebration stimulates them, and gives them something to connect to younger generations.  I was speaking with a young woman who managed a celebration facility.   She said, “My grandmother was not at my wedding,” and there was a haunted look in her eyes. Another family imported the groom’s mother for his wedding.  When she passed away, those photos of all the generations on that occasion became priceless!   I was accompanying the grandmother and supported her (she used a walker) as we “danced” together.   I encouraged her grandson to also take her out on the floor.  Grandmother’s smile lit up the room.  That photo will light the future for her grandson. 

 

When families hesitate to include people with special needs it is usually due to practical considerations.  One family approached me saying, “We are not sure how to get grandma into the car.” Getting into a car is not the barrier it might seem to be.The question behind the car question is who, not how.  There are people who know how.    

 

When planning a celebration most families decide whom they want to attend.  The next question should be how do they want the attendees to participate?  As the M.O.B. (mother of the bride) I can share that my dress for the occasion does not include a cape.  I cannot leap tall buildings at a single bound; I’ve tried.  Put someone else in charge of that special-needs person for the occasion.  Whether is it’s a wedding, christening, funeral, or graduation; the more central you are to the process, the more you need to enlist others.   A caterer shared this story; the m.o.b. had to leave her daughter’s wedding celebration to take the grandmother home and help her get ready for bed.  We love our parents, but this is once-in-a-lifetime occasion, and should not be missed.

 

Celebrations follow a plan for the day(s).  Review that plan in light of the special-needs personnel.  When I reviewed a wedding plan with one family, they had not provided a lunch for the seniors.  One of them was diabetic.  Instead of scurrying at the last minute, there was time to make arrangements and assign someone to handle it. 

 

Bedtimes may be another issue.  If a special-needs person gets tired how are you going to take them home?  Enlisting someone at the last minute may create more problems than it solves.  Have they been drinking?   Would you, or your parent, feel comfortable going with them in that condition, in the dark?  Do they know the way to grandma’s home?   Is this person capable of helping grandma out of the unfamiliar clothing she wore for the occasion?  Does grandma feel comfortable allowing them to help?  How will this person do with medication administration or reminders?  Time to think about these things

 

All of the above considerations may leave you feeling as though it’s a project in itself.  Actually, I have found that families who considered these issues early on, faced the celebration much more calmly and could relax and enjoy your spec al people, with special needs on special occasions.

 

“I’m Not Going!”

I’m not going!   It’s the day of the celebration.  You have 50 things on your mind.  You have already handled 50 other things.   When you arrive, grandma is not ready, and she insists she ‘s NOT GOING!   What do you do now?

 

Let’s back up to the beginning when you planned the day of the event.  Did you assign a person to help grandma as well as bring her to the event?  Is this person someone with whom she feels comfortable?   Most important: does this person have any other duties that day? 

 

Why does this matter?  Because, when we are tense, it can be misread by the special needs person as a cause for alarm.   We see this in small children who react when the adults around them are all wound up.  It may have nothing to do with them, but they don’t know that and they react. When I approach a senior’s home, I take 2 minutes to take three cleansing breaths. I try to put whatever else I have on my mind onto my “backburner”.  A calm demeanor helps the senior to feel calm. 

 

The person assigned to help that day needs to have only those duties.   They need to allow extra time, and plenty of it. It may be necessary to “have a cup of tea and chat” before re-presenting the idea of attending the event.   It may be necessary to help the person voice any concerns they have about attendance by asking them to recall past events they attended, and then celebrate those successes.  Perhaps the attendant might need to make compromises on the spot; such as letting grandma wear a different (more comfortable) pair of shoes, and only put on the pretty ones when the pictures are taken.   The special needs person may need reassurance that bathrooms will be conveniently located, and that the attendant will track their pills, oxygen needs, or have the walker along in case they are too tired for the cane.

 

They may need assurance that they can exit when they need to do so.  This last part is the most important.  What we consider excitement may be sensory overload to them.  The sound of a chair scraping across a floor may cause an ear-splitting resonance through their hearing aid.  Offering the special needs person a measure of control over their participation will make things work more smoothly.   Grandma could sit in the hall while some of the pictures are taken, and come in when she needs to be in the picture.

 

Our busy lives run at greater speed than the routines of the senior’s own home, a retirement home, or a nursing home.  This day’s celebration represents a great change in routine for them.  That takes extra energy on their part to make these adjustments.

 

Special needs people already expend more energy on “ordinary things” than we do.  Do you roll out of bed?  How’s their ability to “roll?”  Do you hop in the shower?  Do they hop?  How much time does it take them to complete all their pills or other health-related routines?  What level of emotional energy does it take to manage hyper-alertness, or free-floating anxiety, if your special person is a returning veteran?  How many reminders do they need just to track through an ordinary day if the special person has memory problems?  This celebration is no ordinary day.

 

Now let’s return to the; I’M NOT GOING! situation.   What do you do?

 

 

 

First: get everybody out of the room; it’s just you and grandma.

 

 

 

Second: acknowledge the differences in today’s schedule, and offer to just sit and talk about their past events.

 

Third: find some point that was positive in past events they attended and celebrate it.

 

Fourth:  re-present the attendance idea obliquely, “I would like to look at the dress you got for today.”

 

Fifth; give them options such as wearing the dress but carrying the shoes.   Ask them how they want the hair done.

 

Sixth: TAKE YOU TIME!   Calmer moves will get you farther.  I have seen these delays last up to an hour or more to get things going.

 

“Can grandma come to the …..?”

Weddings are not the only celebrations; we have christenings, graduations, and funerals.  Each of these life events becomes even more special when they are shared.  Seniors, and those with special needs, especially benefit from inclusion in events.  They may have smaller social circles, and reduced mobility and activity levels, due to their situations.  Events give them social stimulation, something to anticipate and recall later.  Special people bring their own experience to the event and add additional perspective. Including them also communicates to the next generation the way the family views special needs.  We are teaching our children what to value. If we want them to value us in our later years, we need to demonstrate that now.

 

A family asked me to accompany the grandmother to a funeral.  The visitation receiving line was through the room and out the door.  The mother could not leave the receiving line to help someone in the bathroom or take them home early.   While grandmother sat near the receiving line, another line formed near her.  Many people who knew her from her past had come over to greet her.  Her face beamed!  She was so happy to speak to so many people and recall various events they had shared with her.  She talked about it all the way home!   That kind of mental and social stimulation is priceless.   We left before the visitation finished, at her request.  The daughter later said that her mother was still talking about various people she had seen that day.  Stimulation is like dropping a stone into a pool, it ripples out for days afterward.

 

In addition to seniors, we have younger persons with special conditions and returning veterans who struggle with I.E.D. explosion after-effects and PTSD.  Inclusion can be healing if they can participate at their own pace. Inclusion helps them to develop or regain social competency.  Enjoy your special people, with special needs, on all special occasions.