I Want Grandma To Come To My Wedding

Because my daughter is getting married in October, I decided to write these blogs about seniors and celebrations.

 

In ages past, seniors that survived were automatically included in celebrations.  We see this in one of Jane Austen’s novels in which the mother, and her unmarried daughter, are both invited to a ball.  Today, seniors may live in a different town, or a different facility.  Inclusion is not as automatic.  Yet, inclusion can heal.   Involving the senior in the celebration stimulates them, and gives them something to connect to younger generations.  I was speaking with a young woman who managed a celebration facility.   She said, “My grandmother was not at my wedding,” and there was a haunted look in her eyes. Another family imported the groom’s mother for his wedding.  When she passed away, those photos of all the generations on that occasion became priceless!   I was accompanying the grandmother and supported her (she used a walker) as we “danced” together.   I encouraged her grandson to also take her out on the floor.  Grandmother’s smile lit up the room.  That photo will light the future for her grandson. 

 

When families hesitate to include people with special needs it is usually due to practical considerations.  One family approached me saying, “We are not sure how to get grandma into the car.” Getting into a car is not the barrier it might seem to be.The question behind the car question is who, not how.  There are people who know how.    

 

When planning a celebration most families decide whom they want to attend.  The next question should be how do they want the attendees to participate?  As the M.O.B. (mother of the bride) I can share that my dress for the occasion does not include a cape.  I cannot leap tall buildings at a single bound; I’ve tried.  Put someone else in charge of that special-needs person for the occasion.  Whether is it’s a wedding, christening, funeral, or graduation; the more central you are to the process, the more you need to enlist others.   A caterer shared this story; the m.o.b. had to leave her daughter’s wedding celebration to take the grandmother home and help her get ready for bed.  We love our parents, but this is once-in-a-lifetime occasion, and should not be missed.

 

Celebrations follow a plan for the day(s).  Review that plan in light of the special-needs personnel.  When I reviewed a wedding plan with one family, they had not provided a lunch for the seniors.  One of them was diabetic.  Instead of scurrying at the last minute, there was time to make arrangements and assign someone to handle it. 

 

Bedtimes may be another issue.  If a special-needs person gets tired how are you going to take them home?  Enlisting someone at the last minute may create more problems than it solves.  Have they been drinking?   Would you, or your parent, feel comfortable going with them in that condition, in the dark?  Do they know the way to grandma’s home?   Is this person capable of helping grandma out of the unfamiliar clothing she wore for the occasion?  Does grandma feel comfortable allowing them to help?  How will this person do with medication administration or reminders?  Time to think about these things

 

All of the above considerations may leave you feeling as though it’s a project in itself.  Actually, I have found that families who considered these issues early on, faced the celebration much more calmly and could relax and enjoy your spec al people, with special needs on special occasions.

 

“Can grandma come to the …..?”

Weddings are not the only celebrations; we have christenings, graduations, and funerals.  Each of these life events becomes even more special when they are shared.  Seniors, and those with special needs, especially benefit from inclusion in events.  They may have smaller social circles, and reduced mobility and activity levels, due to their situations.  Events give them social stimulation, something to anticipate and recall later.  Special people bring their own experience to the event and add additional perspective. Including them also communicates to the next generation the way the family views special needs.  We are teaching our children what to value. If we want them to value us in our later years, we need to demonstrate that now.

 

A family asked me to accompany the grandmother to a funeral.  The visitation receiving line was through the room and out the door.  The mother could not leave the receiving line to help someone in the bathroom or take them home early.   While grandmother sat near the receiving line, another line formed near her.  Many people who knew her from her past had come over to greet her.  Her face beamed!  She was so happy to speak to so many people and recall various events they had shared with her.  She talked about it all the way home!   That kind of mental and social stimulation is priceless.   We left before the visitation finished, at her request.  The daughter later said that her mother was still talking about various people she had seen that day.  Stimulation is like dropping a stone into a pool, it ripples out for days afterward.

 

In addition to seniors, we have younger persons with special conditions and returning veterans who struggle with I.E.D. explosion after-effects and PTSD.  Inclusion can be healing if they can participate at their own pace. Inclusion helps them to develop or regain social competency.  Enjoy your special people, with special needs, on all special occasions.