What To Get For The Person Who Has Everything: Grandma.

The holiday season brings out the gift giving in us. Finding senior gifts presents special concerns.  Will she (he) actually use it?  What size is the person now?  How well will it launder? 

Will the senior actually use it; maybe or maybe not.  That old sweater looks like an eyesore to you.  To them it represents history.  Every tear and stain came from wearing it during prior experiences.  They are wearing memories, not the sweater.  We saw this sentiment in the war memorial to our most recent conflicts; the boots exhibit.  None of those boots were new.   A better present might be to help mend their favorite sweater or get it professionally cleaned.  Perhaps the item is beyond repair.  DON’T THROW IT AWAY!  Those well intentioned moves break your bond of trust.  Ask them to wear the new item for pictures and help them “store” the old one.

What size becomes an issue because most fashions, even big/tall sizes, assume a non-senior weight distribution.   Mae West said; “I used to be light as a snow flake; then I drifted”.   Just because the facility tells you that your senior weighs 150lbs, does not mean she will fit into a size 12 easily.  Does the senior wear Depends?  Those add girth.  Does the senior retain water in the lower extremities: that factor maybe important if you are buying slacks.  In contrast, their tops may be much smaller.  Does grandma still wear a bra?  If she only wears under shirts, those will shift the way a dress fits.  Mobility is also an issue.  When using a walker, the senior will bend over slightly making the front too long and it becomes a falls hazard.  Flowing skirts can get caught in a wheelchair’s wheels.  Long coats are especially hard to manage in and out of cars.  Get a car coat and put a lap robe over the legs during transport.

Laundry is always an issue.  If things aren’t marked, they disappear.  Even if they are marked, things evaporate.  Facilities do laundry for a crowd and can’t manage special handling.  Keep dry cleaned items  at your home.  You can always pre-deliver dry-cleaned items, properly marked, for grandma to wear for Christmas dinner.  Be aware of shrinkage.  I recently took a senior to a party.  She was wearing her own slacks but these were “high water”.   Know that the items will probably be laundered in very hot water and read labels.  Ask; some facilities have catalogues and will even help you make purchases.

What else could you do?   Ask the senior and/or facility if he needs/wants any clothing.  Consider other self-help aides instead.  How about a reaching devise for a person with limited mobility?  If they are still at home, consider installing security measures.  How about a gift for their pet?  Does the facility have a pet?  You can give them something to give to that pet.  The senior gets two gifts; one is the item, other is the ability to give something.  One does not always want to be on the receiving end of this process.

Give your senior the gift of yourself.  Do they really need more stuff?  You may ask yourself, how do I do that when I am extra busy at the holidays?  Here are a couple suggestions just to get your mental wheels turning: handwrite her favorite recipe on cards for her to send to the family.  Gather some old photos, get them digitized, and create a ‘slide show” in a digital frame for her room.  Take a family story and put it in a frame, or offer it to the facility bulletin.   Set up a skype conversation between the senior and a distant family member for the week between Christmas and the New Year.   Not on Christmas Day if possible.   Send a donation to a new organization she might like: Heifer International.  They will send a   If she listens to radio, try a donation or birthday sponsorship to NPR.

I Want Grandma To Come To My Wedding

Because my daughter is getting married in October, I decided to write these blogs about seniors and celebrations.

 

In ages past, seniors that survived were automatically included in celebrations.  We see this in one of Jane Austen’s novels in which the mother, and her unmarried daughter, are both invited to a ball.  Today, seniors may live in a different town, or a different facility.  Inclusion is not as automatic.  Yet, inclusion can heal.   Involving the senior in the celebration stimulates them, and gives them something to connect to younger generations.  I was speaking with a young woman who managed a celebration facility.   She said, “My grandmother was not at my wedding,” and there was a haunted look in her eyes. Another family imported the groom’s mother for his wedding.  When she passed away, those photos of all the generations on that occasion became priceless!   I was accompanying the grandmother and supported her (she used a walker) as we “danced” together.   I encouraged her grandson to also take her out on the floor.  Grandmother’s smile lit up the room.  That photo will light the future for her grandson. 

 

When families hesitate to include people with special needs it is usually due to practical considerations.  One family approached me saying, “We are not sure how to get grandma into the car.” Getting into a car is not the barrier it might seem to be.The question behind the car question is who, not how.  There are people who know how.    

 

When planning a celebration most families decide whom they want to attend.  The next question should be how do they want the attendees to participate?  As the M.O.B. (mother of the bride) I can share that my dress for the occasion does not include a cape.  I cannot leap tall buildings at a single bound; I’ve tried.  Put someone else in charge of that special-needs person for the occasion.  Whether is it’s a wedding, christening, funeral, or graduation; the more central you are to the process, the more you need to enlist others.   A caterer shared this story; the m.o.b. had to leave her daughter’s wedding celebration to take the grandmother home and help her get ready for bed.  We love our parents, but this is once-in-a-lifetime occasion, and should not be missed.

 

Celebrations follow a plan for the day(s).  Review that plan in light of the special-needs personnel.  When I reviewed a wedding plan with one family, they had not provided a lunch for the seniors.  One of them was diabetic.  Instead of scurrying at the last minute, there was time to make arrangements and assign someone to handle it. 

 

Bedtimes may be another issue.  If a special-needs person gets tired how are you going to take them home?  Enlisting someone at the last minute may create more problems than it solves.  Have they been drinking?   Would you, or your parent, feel comfortable going with them in that condition, in the dark?  Do they know the way to grandma’s home?   Is this person capable of helping grandma out of the unfamiliar clothing she wore for the occasion?  Does grandma feel comfortable allowing them to help?  How will this person do with medication administration or reminders?  Time to think about these things

 

All of the above considerations may leave you feeling as though it’s a project in itself.  Actually, I have found that families who considered these issues early on, faced the celebration much more calmly and could relax and enjoy your spec al people, with special needs on special occasions.

 

“Can grandma come to the …..?”

Weddings are not the only celebrations; we have christenings, graduations, and funerals.  Each of these life events becomes even more special when they are shared.  Seniors, and those with special needs, especially benefit from inclusion in events.  They may have smaller social circles, and reduced mobility and activity levels, due to their situations.  Events give them social stimulation, something to anticipate and recall later.  Special people bring their own experience to the event and add additional perspective. Including them also communicates to the next generation the way the family views special needs.  We are teaching our children what to value. If we want them to value us in our later years, we need to demonstrate that now.

 

A family asked me to accompany the grandmother to a funeral.  The visitation receiving line was through the room and out the door.  The mother could not leave the receiving line to help someone in the bathroom or take them home early.   While grandmother sat near the receiving line, another line formed near her.  Many people who knew her from her past had come over to greet her.  Her face beamed!  She was so happy to speak to so many people and recall various events they had shared with her.  She talked about it all the way home!   That kind of mental and social stimulation is priceless.   We left before the visitation finished, at her request.  The daughter later said that her mother was still talking about various people she had seen that day.  Stimulation is like dropping a stone into a pool, it ripples out for days afterward.

 

In addition to seniors, we have younger persons with special conditions and returning veterans who struggle with I.E.D. explosion after-effects and PTSD.  Inclusion can be healing if they can participate at their own pace. Inclusion helps them to develop or regain social competency.  Enjoy your special people, with special needs, on all special occasions.