What To Get For The Person Who Has Everything: Grandma.

The holiday season brings out the gift giving in us. Finding senior gifts presents special concerns.  Will she (he) actually use it?  What size is the person now?  How well will it launder? 

Will the senior actually use it; maybe or maybe not.  That old sweater looks like an eyesore to you.  To them it represents history.  Every tear and stain came from wearing it during prior experiences.  They are wearing memories, not the sweater.  We saw this sentiment in the war memorial to our most recent conflicts; the boots exhibit.  None of those boots were new.   A better present might be to help mend their favorite sweater or get it professionally cleaned.  Perhaps the item is beyond repair.  DON’T THROW IT AWAY!  Those well intentioned moves break your bond of trust.  Ask them to wear the new item for pictures and help them “store” the old one.

What size becomes an issue because most fashions, even big/tall sizes, assume a non-senior weight distribution.   Mae West said; “I used to be light as a snow flake; then I drifted”.   Just because the facility tells you that your senior weighs 150lbs, does not mean she will fit into a size 12 easily.  Does the senior wear Depends?  Those add girth.  Does the senior retain water in the lower extremities: that factor maybe important if you are buying slacks.  In contrast, their tops may be much smaller.  Does grandma still wear a bra?  If she only wears under shirts, those will shift the way a dress fits.  Mobility is also an issue.  When using a walker, the senior will bend over slightly making the front too long and it becomes a falls hazard.  Flowing skirts can get caught in a wheelchair’s wheels.  Long coats are especially hard to manage in and out of cars.  Get a car coat and put a lap robe over the legs during transport.

Laundry is always an issue.  If things aren’t marked, they disappear.  Even if they are marked, things evaporate.  Facilities do laundry for a crowd and can’t manage special handling.  Keep dry cleaned items  at your home.  You can always pre-deliver dry-cleaned items, properly marked, for grandma to wear for Christmas dinner.  Be aware of shrinkage.  I recently took a senior to a party.  She was wearing her own slacks but these were “high water”.   Know that the items will probably be laundered in very hot water and read labels.  Ask; some facilities have catalogues and will even help you make purchases.

What else could you do?   Ask the senior and/or facility if he needs/wants any clothing.  Consider other self-help aides instead.  How about a reaching devise for a person with limited mobility?  If they are still at home, consider installing security measures.  How about a gift for their pet?  Does the facility have a pet?  You can give them something to give to that pet.  The senior gets two gifts; one is the item, other is the ability to give something.  One does not always want to be on the receiving end of this process.

Give your senior the gift of yourself.  Do they really need more stuff?  You may ask yourself, how do I do that when I am extra busy at the holidays?  Here are a couple suggestions just to get your mental wheels turning: handwrite her favorite recipe on cards for her to send to the family.  Gather some old photos, get them digitized, and create a ‘slide show” in a digital frame for her room.  Take a family story and put it in a frame, or offer it to the facility bulletin.   Set up a skype conversation between the senior and a distant family member for the week between Christmas and the New Year.   Not on Christmas Day if possible.   Send a donation to a new organization she might like: Heifer International.  They will send a   If she listens to radio, try a donation or birthday sponsorship to NPR.

Is This The Last Holiday?

Whether we feel it intuitively, hear it from the doctor, or the senior herself, there comes a point when we must face the last holiday season with our loved one.While loss is a challenge any time of the year, but there is a special quality, like salt in a wound, when THE END comes around the holidays.I cannot know your journey, or the quality of your relationship, to your loved one, butI can only share some thoughts that come from both from my work, and from my family.

I was helping a daughter in the nursing home after a call came that her mother had passed.  Eventually, her roommate wheeled herself over to us.She spoke gently about her appreciation of her time with the mother.Then, she revealed that the mother had told her she had decided to “leave” a week before!  The mother had asked the roommate to pray with her about this. 

Her timing couldn’t have been worse for the daughter; she was still processing the initial shock.  Even though our loved ones often are ill before they pass, there is still that emotional impact of the annunciation.

Sometimes, our loved ones are worried about us and do not share us their final decision.However, they will “tell us“ in other ways.  Perhaps they tell a clergy person, a roommate, or a friend. From what I have seen, most adult children would have wanted to have that time to tell express their love.  Perhaps there are other things that needed to be said; “I’m sorry, forgive me, I forgive you, or you have shaped my life”.  When the family loses the opportunity to share these final words, it becomes another source of pain in addition to the loss.  On 9-11 we heard about all the calls, voice messages, and emails that were sent just before people perished. The was the most common phrase was, “I love you.” How can we preserve that final space for celebration of the last holiday?

Remember, you grew up with these people.  You know them in ways you cannot put into words.If you sense that this is the last holiday: give them permission to shape that final celebration.When they make an oblique reference to finality; don’t object – accept.  We may not decide when we are born, but 30 years with seniors have shown me how often people “decide” when they will die.   I have seen people who should have died, hang on until the child got married, or the grandbaby was born.Acceptance by family is hard, but it is crucial, especially during the holidays.  The senior seeks emotional permission to share.

It’s their (final) celebration; ask them what do they want to do?  The mother described earlier wanted to pray.  Another mother wanted to dance at her daughter’s wedding.We can acknowledge that this is an important time, for them and for us.  Perhaps we always….; fill in the blank.  Did you always collect them for a holiday dinner?  Decorate their room?  Bring special food?  Did the whole family come for a visit?  Just because it worked in the past does not mean it will work now. ASK. 

Perhaps lots of visitors are too exhausting.  Maybe less is more on decorating.  Perhaps a favorite dish is not good for their cholesterol: who cares?!   My mother had ice cream three times a day at the end. Why not?!

Mistakes I have made include rushing around my mother’s place and busily scrubbing my sister’s place.  In both cases that was not what they wanted.  My mother even said; “Stop it and sit down beside me!”  She used that voice I remembered from when we were children and getting rowdy.   When the Bible says, “the voice of God”, I know that voice, it came out of my mother and you had no option but to obey!

When my sister was stricken with cancer, I started to do it again. Then, I remembered my mother’s voice and stopped.Instead, I asked her if she would like to go outside.  It was November in Minnesota but it was a bright sunny day. She looked at me as though I had lost my mind!  I told her this was her special time and if she wanted it, I would do it.  Bundled up so only her face showed, I wheeled her onto the deck.  I brought out her favorite tea and cookies.  We just sat there, looking at the forest, the place where her garden had grown, and at the sky.   She remarked about the sky several times.   I let her lead the conversation until she looked tired.  I did not take her in until she gave me permission.  We took one last look at the sky.  

Home (?) for the Holidays.

There it is: the street where you grew up and the house coming into view.  All your memories flood back as you park the car and unload the bags.When you come inside, things aren’t the same.  No decorations and no special smells or music greet you.  Your parent is delighted to see you, but that is as far as it goes.

Holidays reveal the way things are now.  It takes extra effort to put up decorations and bake special dishes.  Your parent may no longer be capable of doing the extras.

 

Let’s talk about how that scene might make you feel.  It is hard to view your family home, which is both familiar and unfamiliar, in its lack of holiday efforts.Perhaps, in your heart of hearts, you had a feeling things would be different this year.  Perhaps, you even felt some physical symptoms as you reached the old neighborhood.Perhaps you felt irritable during this trip.The intuitive parts of us “records” small bytes of information from contacts with our parents earlier in the year.These impressions were stored away because the other parts of our lives are so busy.Impressions don’t go away because we grew up with these parents.We know them in depths we cannot put in words.  Your intuition is now comparing the way things were with the current data and flashing a signal to prepare you: heed the signal.Once you understand that these vague physical symptoms and irritations are signals they lose their power.  We answer phones, buzzers, and timers: this is just another signal.  You are not getting sick, but you may feel sick at heart.  Feeling a sense of loss is real.  Realizing things have changed is also real.  Feeling sad or lonely is real.

Here we are at the doorway; what do we do with all those feelings?The doorway is not the place to deal with the feelings.Let’s go back through the process, and look for times and ways to handle your feelings.When feelings “hit you” that this will not be a holiday like past years?We have all had to make a speech in class or some other nerve-wracking event and we all know how we reacted then.We are the same people now.Your feelings will hit you, plan for it.

Take a moment for yourself when you feel symptoms or irritation.Yes, take a moment for yourself.You are important.  You will not be able to cope with this process if you do not take yourself into account.If you are alone or semi-alone; put your pen down, take your fingers off the keyboard or put the cookie pan down.Feel the feelings.That includes shedding a few tears for some of us.Grab a tissue, a paper napkin on the desk, or a paper towel and let the tears go.Letting them go now will better than at your parent’s doorway.Perhaps you do not shed tears, punch something safe to punch! 

Next; reach for your positive memory.Select one or two things that were special to you about the holidays at home. Was it music?  You know where the records are stored and you can retrieve them.Was a particular dish?  If you can’t bake it, there are people who can. Order it for pick up.That pick up trip could be an outing for you to share with the parent or a chance to give you a break during the visit.Perhaps it’s decorating you remember.  Think those items and prioritize.  You do not want to get everything out.Putting up a couple decorations is another activity you can share with your parent.  Resolve yourself to the new situation.  This will not be a holiday like the past it will celebrate the greatest present which is our presence with

When Is A Visit Not A Visit?

Holidays bring out the family.They join us for meals or they stay with us.  When the visitor is an elderly person, getting their medications is helpful, but not enough planning.   When the visitor is an elderly person what do they do while they are there? 

 

Let’s consider some activities.  Here are a couple guidelines to help you decide what works for your family. 

 

How can you involve them as living history?  Elders have a million stories, some of these small children have not yet heard even if you have heard them all.  Topics like the way elders lived when they were the children’s age, and what Thanksgiving was like years ago, are great.

 

Great activities for children and elders are the ones are not central to the meal preparation or running the household.  The elder can be with the children as they making place cards, “turkey hands” pictures, or stringing cranberries and popcorn.  These add to the festive mood.  Even if the elder cannot do the tasks, they can see the process.

 

Perhaps the elder wants to help you and you are not sure how well that will work.  Give them an activity that is part of the process but is not primary: chopping the nuts or finding those tree decorations that need new strings.  Sometimes, the offer the “help” is  really asking to remember the holiday conversation, the sounds, and smells and enjoy these with you.  If the conversation gets on touchy topics, you can always ask them to help you by doing an activity that takes them into another room.

 

Longer visits require a longer list of activities.  Do you have old photos and a pencil?  Perhaps they could “catalogue” those for you.  Have you ever wondered who was in a photo?  Ask the elders, they were there.  Show old photos to children and let them ask questions.  Just seeing black and white photos with ladies in hats is a change from today.  Photos of older cars are a great topic for little boys and grandfathers.  The goal is to engage at the pace the elder can manage and to share across generations.

 

Here are a couple “don’ts.” Don’t pack too much into the visit.  Just sleeping in a strange bed or a different routine can tire the elder.  See how they are doing and be prepared to adjust.   And don’t just “deposit” them in a corner, away from the family activities.  Even if the elder cannot do activities, they can absorb the atmosphere of the household.  Don’t assume the elder does or does not want to participate in an activity – check and see.  Notice I did not say “ask”, the elder may or may not give you a straight answer.  If they look peeked, it might be better to let them off the hook.  If they look excited, bring them along.  Even if it is just going to the store, it’s time spent together.  It’s the time that is the true gift of the holidays.