When Is A Visit Not A Visit?

Holidays bring out the family.They join us for meals or they stay with us.  When the visitor is an elderly person, getting their medications is helpful, but not enough planning.   When the visitor is an elderly person what do they do while they are there? 

 

Let’s consider some activities.  Here are a couple guidelines to help you decide what works for your family. 

 

How can you involve them as living history?  Elders have a million stories, some of these small children have not yet heard even if you have heard them all.  Topics like the way elders lived when they were the children’s age, and what Thanksgiving was like years ago, are great.

 

Great activities for children and elders are the ones are not central to the meal preparation or running the household.  The elder can be with the children as they making place cards, “turkey hands” pictures, or stringing cranberries and popcorn.  These add to the festive mood.  Even if the elder cannot do the tasks, they can see the process.

 

Perhaps the elder wants to help you and you are not sure how well that will work.  Give them an activity that is part of the process but is not primary: chopping the nuts or finding those tree decorations that need new strings.  Sometimes, the offer the “help” is  really asking to remember the holiday conversation, the sounds, and smells and enjoy these with you.  If the conversation gets on touchy topics, you can always ask them to help you by doing an activity that takes them into another room.

 

Longer visits require a longer list of activities.  Do you have old photos and a pencil?  Perhaps they could “catalogue” those for you.  Have you ever wondered who was in a photo?  Ask the elders, they were there.  Show old photos to children and let them ask questions.  Just seeing black and white photos with ladies in hats is a change from today.  Photos of older cars are a great topic for little boys and grandfathers.  The goal is to engage at the pace the elder can manage and to share across generations.

 

Here are a couple “don’ts.” Don’t pack too much into the visit.  Just sleeping in a strange bed or a different routine can tire the elder.  See how they are doing and be prepared to adjust.   And don’t just “deposit” them in a corner, away from the family activities.  Even if the elder cannot do activities, they can absorb the atmosphere of the household.  Don’t assume the elder does or does not want to participate in an activity – check and see.  Notice I did not say “ask”, the elder may or may not give you a straight answer.  If they look peeked, it might be better to let them off the hook.  If they look excited, bring them along.  Even if it is just going to the store, it’s time spent together.  It’s the time that is the true gift of the holidays.

 

Holiday Visiting Guidelines

As we approach Thanksgiving, we consider visiting elderly relatives or arranging for them to visit us.  While I cannot offer a guarantee of a pleasant visit, here are a few things to keep in mind to avoid some of the pitfalls:

 

1.  The best time to visit is the senior’s best time of day. If Great Aunt Liz does not get up until noon, her best time is in the afternoon, not the morning.  Other seniors “sundown” and become more dysfunctional in the late afternoon. 

 

2.Mealtimes need to be consistent.  If Grandpa usually eats at noon, expecting him to wait for lunch until 2:00 pm is unrealistic.  Some medications must be taken with meals preferably at regular times.  It might work to move the Thanksgiving dinner to 4:00pm and make it his evening meal.

 

3.Some seniors want to lie down once they have eaten.  If that is their habit, is there a quiet place for them to rest in your house?

 

4.What medications do they take?  Do they have them along for the visit?  Are there other backup supplies you should bring along; Oxygen tanks, Depends, or blue pads?

 

5.Going to a senior care facility may work better from a logistical standpoint.  Try to coordinate your visit with the facility’s schedule.  If Grandma is eating lunch she may not focus on her food if you arrive at mid-meal.  On the other hand, some facilities encourage families to come in and share dinner with the resident senior.   Find out the facility policy and arrange your schedule accordingly.  

 

6.Bringing smaller children means bringing a backpack.  This way, they will have activities to occupy them and supplies in case they need a change of clothes.   Provide something they can do with or for the senior while on the visit; like making a picture for Grandma.  Just as you think ahead to fill the back pack, think ahead to fill-in their information.  Let children know ahead of time that some people have conditions (do not use the word “sick”) and they need extra help.  “Sick” implies contagious to small children so find other words.

 

7.  Some people are not sure if children should be exposed to a nursing home; why not?   Yes, they will point to things they have not seen and ask questions.  Answer these directly and simply.  Helping children understand the ways equipment helps Grandma prepares them for a world which will have more seniors.    

 

8.More than the information you give, it is the attitude you demonstrate that teaches children this stage is just part of the circle of life not something to dread.  I found it helpful to remind my children that they also could not walk or eat by themselves earlier in their lives.  Do you have a photo of Grandma holding them as babies?  It would be a good idea to show this now to remind them Grandma took care of them.  Show this photo before you visit the facility.

 

HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

 

A Note Of Thanks For Caregivers.

Let’s give thanks for our care givers in this season of thanksgiving.   Who were your caregivers?  What special moments do you remember about them?  How did they influence your life?  A caregiver could also be a teacher, a neighbor, or someone in your religious community; all of them shaped who you are.  This is the season to show your appreciation.

 

Perhaps a caregiver helped you care for your parents in their final years.  It’s hard work and often not well paid.  Remembering them now would give them a huge morale boost.  Show them you valued their contribution.

Before we get too close the turkey-stuffing, let’s take a minute, write them a note, or send a Thanksgiving card.  Your former caregiver will be touched by your thoughtfulness and appreciate it more than yet-another Christmas card.   It’s simple, inexpensive, and priceless.

 

Taking time to send cards teach those who will become your future caregivers; your children.  They may roll their eyes, or just not say anything; you are still making an impression.  You are leading by example, the most powerful teacher.  Perhaps you can “just stop off for a quick errand at the card shop” after picking them up from sports practice.  

You could ask their opinion on selecting a card.  They may choose to stare intently the nearest digital screen, as they absorb your values by mental osmosis.  Boys as well as girls need to be exposed now the role of care giving.  Younger children may appreciate a chance to draw a picture for your former caregiver.   They will get more out of the experience if you tell them how that person shaped your life.   You are teaching your children, at any age, that this role is a part of the life cycle and part of their future role in the family and society.  Thank you to all our caregivers.