When Is A Visit Not A Visit?

Holidays bring out the family.They join us for meals or they stay with us.  When the visitor is an elderly person, getting their medications is helpful, but not enough planning.   When the visitor is an elderly person what do they do while they are there? 

 

Let’s consider some activities.  Here are a couple guidelines to help you decide what works for your family. 

 

How can you involve them as living history?  Elders have a million stories, some of these small children have not yet heard even if you have heard them all.  Topics like the way elders lived when they were the children’s age, and what Thanksgiving was like years ago, are great.

 

Great activities for children and elders are the ones are not central to the meal preparation or running the household.  The elder can be with the children as they making place cards, “turkey hands” pictures, or stringing cranberries and popcorn.  These add to the festive mood.  Even if the elder cannot do the tasks, they can see the process.

 

Perhaps the elder wants to help you and you are not sure how well that will work.  Give them an activity that is part of the process but is not primary: chopping the nuts or finding those tree decorations that need new strings.  Sometimes, the offer the “help” is  really asking to remember the holiday conversation, the sounds, and smells and enjoy these with you.  If the conversation gets on touchy topics, you can always ask them to help you by doing an activity that takes them into another room.

 

Longer visits require a longer list of activities.  Do you have old photos and a pencil?  Perhaps they could “catalogue” those for you.  Have you ever wondered who was in a photo?  Ask the elders, they were there.  Show old photos to children and let them ask questions.  Just seeing black and white photos with ladies in hats is a change from today.  Photos of older cars are a great topic for little boys and grandfathers.  The goal is to engage at the pace the elder can manage and to share across generations.

 

Here are a couple “don’ts.” Don’t pack too much into the visit.  Just sleeping in a strange bed or a different routine can tire the elder.  See how they are doing and be prepared to adjust.   And don’t just “deposit” them in a corner, away from the family activities.  Even if the elder cannot do activities, they can absorb the atmosphere of the household.  Don’t assume the elder does or does not want to participate in an activity – check and see.  Notice I did not say “ask”, the elder may or may not give you a straight answer.  If they look peeked, it might be better to let them off the hook.  If they look excited, bring them along.  Even if it is just going to the store, it’s time spent together.  It’s the time that is the true gift of the holidays.

 

Holiday Visiting Guidelines

As we approach Thanksgiving, we consider visiting elderly relatives or arranging for them to visit us.  While I cannot offer a guarantee of a pleasant visit, here are a few things to keep in mind to avoid some of the pitfalls:

 

1.  The best time to visit is the senior’s best time of day. If Great Aunt Liz does not get up until noon, her best time is in the afternoon, not the morning.  Other seniors “sundown” and become more dysfunctional in the late afternoon. 

 

2.Mealtimes need to be consistent.  If Grandpa usually eats at noon, expecting him to wait for lunch until 2:00 pm is unrealistic.  Some medications must be taken with meals preferably at regular times.  It might work to move the Thanksgiving dinner to 4:00pm and make it his evening meal.

 

3.Some seniors want to lie down once they have eaten.  If that is their habit, is there a quiet place for them to rest in your house?

 

4.What medications do they take?  Do they have them along for the visit?  Are there other backup supplies you should bring along; Oxygen tanks, Depends, or blue pads?

 

5.Going to a senior care facility may work better from a logistical standpoint.  Try to coordinate your visit with the facility’s schedule.  If Grandma is eating lunch she may not focus on her food if you arrive at mid-meal.  On the other hand, some facilities encourage families to come in and share dinner with the resident senior.   Find out the facility policy and arrange your schedule accordingly.  

 

6.Bringing smaller children means bringing a backpack.  This way, they will have activities to occupy them and supplies in case they need a change of clothes.   Provide something they can do with or for the senior while on the visit; like making a picture for Grandma.  Just as you think ahead to fill the back pack, think ahead to fill-in their information.  Let children know ahead of time that some people have conditions (do not use the word “sick”) and they need extra help.  “Sick” implies contagious to small children so find other words.

 

7.  Some people are not sure if children should be exposed to a nursing home; why not?   Yes, they will point to things they have not seen and ask questions.  Answer these directly and simply.  Helping children understand the ways equipment helps Grandma prepares them for a world which will have more seniors.    

 

8.More than the information you give, it is the attitude you demonstrate that teaches children this stage is just part of the circle of life not something to dread.  I found it helpful to remind my children that they also could not walk or eat by themselves earlier in their lives.  Do you have a photo of Grandma holding them as babies?  It would be a good idea to show this now to remind them Grandma took care of them.  Show this photo before you visit the facility.

 

HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

 

A Note Of Thanks For Caregivers.

Let’s give thanks for our care givers in this season of thanksgiving.   Who were your caregivers?  What special moments do you remember about them?  How did they influence your life?  A caregiver could also be a teacher, a neighbor, or someone in your religious community; all of them shaped who you are.  This is the season to show your appreciation.

 

Perhaps a caregiver helped you care for your parents in their final years.  It’s hard work and often not well paid.  Remembering them now would give them a huge morale boost.  Show them you valued their contribution.

Before we get too close the turkey-stuffing, let’s take a minute, write them a note, or send a Thanksgiving card.  Your former caregiver will be touched by your thoughtfulness and appreciate it more than yet-another Christmas card.   It’s simple, inexpensive, and priceless.

 

Taking time to send cards teach those who will become your future caregivers; your children.  They may roll their eyes, or just not say anything; you are still making an impression.  You are leading by example, the most powerful teacher.  Perhaps you can “just stop off for a quick errand at the card shop” after picking them up from sports practice.  

You could ask their opinion on selecting a card.  They may choose to stare intently the nearest digital screen, as they absorb your values by mental osmosis.  Boys as well as girls need to be exposed now the role of care giving.  Younger children may appreciate a chance to draw a picture for your former caregiver.   They will get more out of the experience if you tell them how that person shaped your life.   You are teaching your children, at any age, that this role is a part of the life cycle and part of their future role in the family and society.  Thank you to all our caregivers.

 

How Can You Celebrate? November is National Caregiver’s Month!

November is the beginning of the holiday season.  Although holidays are fun, they often carry their own stress.  There is extra baking, extra food, extra errand running, extra visiting, or extra people at your house, and then there is Mom.Or Dad.

Celebrate this year by considering the caregivers in your social circle.  Who are they? Offer to help. Sometimes caregivers don’t know what they can delegate or they assume they should do it all.  Suggest things you can do to help.  If you do not have suggestions, here are a few:

 

1. Offer to stay with the senior while the caregiver runs some errands.  If this is your grandparent, ask for their “help” to organize and label old photos.   

 

2. Offer to help get decorations out of the basement, or attic, so the senior isn’t climbing on ladders.    Perhaps you can help the senior decorate while she reminisces.              

3. Do the caregiver’s children, or grandchildren, sing in the same choir as yours?  Could you pick them up so the caregiver can concentrate on getting the senior to the performance?  Could you also take the children or the senior home?          

4. Offer to pick up the senior to bring them to Thanksgiving dinner so the caregiver does not have to leave during the preparation.  Take them back as well.                                               

5. Make spaghetti, lasagna, or some other special dish.  Bring it over as a “reserve dinner” for the day everything goes haywire, and the caregiver is at her wit’s-end.  I just make two of something and put the other one in a disposable pan, wrapped for freezing.

 

When you are the caregiver; “reformat” the holiday celebrations.This year will be different.  It is a new season in your life.  We respect those in mourning, or new parents.  Caregiving is actually a fulltime job, and you deserve respect for that status.

 

This is the year you ask others to contribute a dish, set up tables and chairs, or bring seniors to the Thanksgiving feast. 

 

This is the year that you un-decorate.  Close your eyes and picture your decorated home.  What are the first three things that come to mind?   Those are the only ones you do.  If the stair railing on does not get done this year; it’s fine. 

 

This is the year you un-bake.What are the three most important dishes/cookies/items you have done in the past?  Those are the only three you to do this year.  Enlist others.

 

Perhaps you always helped in your congregation or school with the holiday …..   This year you let everyone know that your situation is different; you are a caregiver.  Ask for a limited involvement.

 

 

This is the year to enlist young adults.  Call them young adults, not teenagers.  They need to assume some holiday responsibility.  This is the season you involve them in retrieving decorations, putting them up, driving their grandparents.  I brought my children into the kitchen and discovered my son is a better cook than I am!  He goes for Asian flavors such as teriyaki turkey: why not!  Expect some rolled eyes or extra concentration on the digital screen at first.  Be firm.  Present this as part of growing up; the flipside of privilege is responsibility.

 

Caregivers have a right to enjoy the holidays as much as anyone else, maybe even agreater right.  We honor your service in caregiving.

 

“Thank you for your service.”

We greet troops with this phrase, but we do not have a phrase that recognizes and honors caregivers. Why not?  It’s easy to identify troops, since they wear uniforms.  It’s easy to identify new parents, or parents to be; they have babies or look pregnant.  It’s not so easy to identify caregivers.  You may be a caregiver.  Your neighbors or colleagues may be caregivers.  Many people who provide care to their loved ones do not even identify themselves as caregivers!  That is part of the problem. 

 

Identity comes in two forms, how others may see our role, or whether we see ourselves as caregivers.  You learned your new status when others responded to you in the past.  Remember the first day of school?  The first day you wore an engagement ring or wedding band?  These symbols not only identified you to others, they also signaled others to respond to your new role differently. Through those responses from others you learned how society saw your role, what people expected of you, and the ways you were honored for being a …… 

 

During World War I, a mother who had lost her son, started the Gold Star Mothers program.  She did so because it was a way of gaining recognition for those parents who had lost a child in battle.  Widows were honored, but it was not as clear for grieving parents.   Part of our support and help comes from those around us.  If those around us do not know of our special role, they cannot support, or offer any help to us in that role. 

 

Part of creating a caregiver program is recognizing when we, ourselves, are acting as “Silver Stars”.   More than in once a family member has told me, “I’m not really a caregiver because…..”    You may really be a caregiver.  Do you do the errands, grocery shopping, or bill paying for a family member?  Do you accompany a family member to medical appointments?   Do you tackle all those insurance/Medicare/ SSI forms?   Do you provide help with foot care, bathing, dressing, dental care, and assist with a love one’s mobility?   Do you worry about your loved ones who live far away?  Yes, you are a caregiver.  Recognize yourself first; you are a silver star!

 

How do we create our own “Silver Star” program?   Sometimes it is easier to see others doing caregiving.  Who is a caregiver in your social circle?  Just as we celebrate birthdays with friends and at work, how about a recognition luncheon at work or at church?  Many women wear corsages on Mother’s Day.  People wear black arm bands or torn black ribbons when in mourning.   What do you think caregivers should wear? November is national caregiver’s month.  This would be a good time to start a new tradition of recognizing (and supporting) the Silver Star caregivers around you?  Thank the caregivers around you for their service.