Holiday Visiting Guidelines

As we approach Thanksgiving, we consider visiting elderly relatives or arranging for them to visit us.  While I cannot offer a guarantee of a pleasant visit, here are a few things to keep in mind to avoid some of the pitfalls:

 

1.  The best time to visit is the senior’s best time of day. If Great Aunt Liz does not get up until noon, her best time is in the afternoon, not the morning.  Other seniors “sundown” and become more dysfunctional in the late afternoon. 

 

2.Mealtimes need to be consistent.  If Grandpa usually eats at noon, expecting him to wait for lunch until 2:00 pm is unrealistic.  Some medications must be taken with meals preferably at regular times.  It might work to move the Thanksgiving dinner to 4:00pm and make it his evening meal.

 

3.Some seniors want to lie down once they have eaten.  If that is their habit, is there a quiet place for them to rest in your house?

 

4.What medications do they take?  Do they have them along for the visit?  Are there other backup supplies you should bring along; Oxygen tanks, Depends, or blue pads?

 

5.Going to a senior care facility may work better from a logistical standpoint.  Try to coordinate your visit with the facility’s schedule.  If Grandma is eating lunch she may not focus on her food if you arrive at mid-meal.  On the other hand, some facilities encourage families to come in and share dinner with the resident senior.   Find out the facility policy and arrange your schedule accordingly.  

 

6.Bringing smaller children means bringing a backpack.  This way, they will have activities to occupy them and supplies in case they need a change of clothes.   Provide something they can do with or for the senior while on the visit; like making a picture for Grandma.  Just as you think ahead to fill the back pack, think ahead to fill-in their information.  Let children know ahead of time that some people have conditions (do not use the word “sick”) and they need extra help.  “Sick” implies contagious to small children so find other words.

 

7.  Some people are not sure if children should be exposed to a nursing home; why not?   Yes, they will point to things they have not seen and ask questions.  Answer these directly and simply.  Helping children understand the ways equipment helps Grandma prepares them for a world which will have more seniors.    

 

8.More than the information you give, it is the attitude you demonstrate that teaches children this stage is just part of the circle of life not something to dread.  I found it helpful to remind my children that they also could not walk or eat by themselves earlier in their lives.  Do you have a photo of Grandma holding them as babies?  It would be a good idea to show this now to remind them Grandma took care of them.  Show this photo before you visit the facility.

 

HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

 

Is This the Retirement You Planned?

We form our ideas about retirement at an early age.  Even very small children soak up impressions  from elders and “store” them for later use.  As we grow up, we pull these impressions out of our mental closets and try them on.  Retirement is no different.   Our parents or grandparents had some sort of post-career experience and they provided you with a blue print.  Take a moment and think about your ideas or goals.  How many of them relate to your early experiences? 

How have your plans changed?  The Great Recession forced many people out of their career paths and into a retirement they did not plan.  New jobs may not pay as well and thus, require people to work longer past “retirement age”.     New jobs may mean learning new skills, returning to school, or making a move.   Those were not the typical experiences of retired people in earlier generations. 

 Have you heard this joke?  A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were discussing when life begins.  The priest said it begins at conception.  The minister said it begins at quickening.   The rabbi said life begins when the last child has left for college and the dog dies.   Notice that none of the clergy mentioned parent care.   We face an issue that our grandparents did not; a second helping of care giving.  It is as if the stork lands on our rooftops twice.  The first time the little bundle of joy is a boy or girl.  The second time it’s a bigger bundle: Congratulations!  It’s a parent!”

People who thought they would travel, pursue hobbies, or visit family find they are at home because one or more parents need their help.   How does one travel when mother might have an emergency while one is out of town?   Perhaps you now use your “leisure” time to do her laundry, pick up her medications, accompany her to the doctor, or do her grocery shopping.   Adult children will say, “Mother is fine”.  What they mean is the she is able to bathe, dress, and feed herself.   Care giving begins with these other tasks but it doesn’t end there. 

Adult children may think they do not need to make plans until later.   By “later” they mean, when mother requires help in the home.  Not true!  Not only is the parent getting older, so are you, the adult child.  As they age so do you.  If you need your health to travel comfortably, now is the time to go.  If you want to be the involved grandparent, the grandchildren are small now; they won’t wait.  How do you think you would pursue that hobby dream if you don’t get started now?  

Perhaps travel, hobbies, and visiting are just luxuries since you had to get a new job or stay on the job longer.  Caregiving is like taking a second job; one that expands with time.  Therefore, it is important to plan for the second helping of caregiving.  Make contingency plans, and talk with your parent about future arrangements.  Get yourself some space!  

Is there a drug store that delivers?  How about a grocery store delivery?  Is there a laundry that will do her clothes and deliver them?  

As you learned from bringing up your children, it’s better to train them from the start.  Start now with your parent.  Explain that they can get the drug store to deliver and that they can get laundry done commercially.  They will protest, saying that it is your job to help them.  Yes!  They’re right.  It will become your job in later years, but you need some time now for yourself.  When you finally can retire, or when the parent requires in-home care you will need to be there more.  Right now, your grandchildren need to see an involved grandparent.  Your community and congregation need you.  You need to take care of yourself in order to have the ability to take care of your parent(s) later.  This isn’t the retirement most people dream about but many find it is the one they have or will have.  Factor parent care plans into your retirement plans to be prepared.