Is This The Last Holiday?

Whether we feel it intuitively, hear it from the doctor, or the senior herself, there comes a point when we must face the last holiday season with our loved one.While loss is a challenge any time of the year, but there is a special quality, like salt in a wound, when THE END comes around the holidays.I cannot know your journey, or the quality of your relationship, to your loved one, butI can only share some thoughts that come from both from my work, and from my family.

I was helping a daughter in the nursing home after a call came that her mother had passed.  Eventually, her roommate wheeled herself over to us.She spoke gently about her appreciation of her time with the mother.Then, she revealed that the mother had told her she had decided to “leave” a week before!  The mother had asked the roommate to pray with her about this. 

Her timing couldn’t have been worse for the daughter; she was still processing the initial shock.  Even though our loved ones often are ill before they pass, there is still that emotional impact of the annunciation.

Sometimes, our loved ones are worried about us and do not share us their final decision.However, they will “tell us“ in other ways.  Perhaps they tell a clergy person, a roommate, or a friend. From what I have seen, most adult children would have wanted to have that time to tell express their love.  Perhaps there are other things that needed to be said; “I’m sorry, forgive me, I forgive you, or you have shaped my life”.  When the family loses the opportunity to share these final words, it becomes another source of pain in addition to the loss.  On 9-11 we heard about all the calls, voice messages, and emails that were sent just before people perished. The was the most common phrase was, “I love you.” How can we preserve that final space for celebration of the last holiday?

Remember, you grew up with these people.  You know them in ways you cannot put into words.If you sense that this is the last holiday: give them permission to shape that final celebration.When they make an oblique reference to finality; don’t object – accept.  We may not decide when we are born, but 30 years with seniors have shown me how often people “decide” when they will die.   I have seen people who should have died, hang on until the child got married, or the grandbaby was born.Acceptance by family is hard, but it is crucial, especially during the holidays.  The senior seeks emotional permission to share.

It’s their (final) celebration; ask them what do they want to do?  The mother described earlier wanted to pray.  Another mother wanted to dance at her daughter’s wedding.We can acknowledge that this is an important time, for them and for us.  Perhaps we always….; fill in the blank.  Did you always collect them for a holiday dinner?  Decorate their room?  Bring special food?  Did the whole family come for a visit?  Just because it worked in the past does not mean it will work now. ASK. 

Perhaps lots of visitors are too exhausting.  Maybe less is more on decorating.  Perhaps a favorite dish is not good for their cholesterol: who cares?!   My mother had ice cream three times a day at the end. Why not?!

Mistakes I have made include rushing around my mother’s place and busily scrubbing my sister’s place.  In both cases that was not what they wanted.  My mother even said; “Stop it and sit down beside me!”  She used that voice I remembered from when we were children and getting rowdy.   When the Bible says, “the voice of God”, I know that voice, it came out of my mother and you had no option but to obey!

When my sister was stricken with cancer, I started to do it again. Then, I remembered my mother’s voice and stopped.Instead, I asked her if she would like to go outside.  It was November in Minnesota but it was a bright sunny day. She looked at me as though I had lost my mind!  I told her this was her special time and if she wanted it, I would do it.  Bundled up so only her face showed, I wheeled her onto the deck.  I brought out her favorite tea and cookies.  We just sat there, looking at the forest, the place where her garden had grown, and at the sky.   She remarked about the sky several times.   I let her lead the conversation until she looked tired.  I did not take her in until she gave me permission.  We took one last look at the sky.  

Home (?) for the Holidays.

There it is: the street where you grew up and the house coming into view.  All your memories flood back as you park the car and unload the bags.When you come inside, things aren’t the same.  No decorations and no special smells or music greet you.  Your parent is delighted to see you, but that is as far as it goes.

Holidays reveal the way things are now.  It takes extra effort to put up decorations and bake special dishes.  Your parent may no longer be capable of doing the extras.

 

Let’s talk about how that scene might make you feel.  It is hard to view your family home, which is both familiar and unfamiliar, in its lack of holiday efforts.Perhaps, in your heart of hearts, you had a feeling things would be different this year.  Perhaps, you even felt some physical symptoms as you reached the old neighborhood.Perhaps you felt irritable during this trip.The intuitive parts of us “records” small bytes of information from contacts with our parents earlier in the year.These impressions were stored away because the other parts of our lives are so busy.Impressions don’t go away because we grew up with these parents.We know them in depths we cannot put in words.  Your intuition is now comparing the way things were with the current data and flashing a signal to prepare you: heed the signal.Once you understand that these vague physical symptoms and irritations are signals they lose their power.  We answer phones, buzzers, and timers: this is just another signal.  You are not getting sick, but you may feel sick at heart.  Feeling a sense of loss is real.  Realizing things have changed is also real.  Feeling sad or lonely is real.

Here we are at the doorway; what do we do with all those feelings?The doorway is not the place to deal with the feelings.Let’s go back through the process, and look for times and ways to handle your feelings.When feelings “hit you” that this will not be a holiday like past years?We have all had to make a speech in class or some other nerve-wracking event and we all know how we reacted then.We are the same people now.Your feelings will hit you, plan for it.

Take a moment for yourself when you feel symptoms or irritation.Yes, take a moment for yourself.You are important.  You will not be able to cope with this process if you do not take yourself into account.If you are alone or semi-alone; put your pen down, take your fingers off the keyboard or put the cookie pan down.Feel the feelings.That includes shedding a few tears for some of us.Grab a tissue, a paper napkin on the desk, or a paper towel and let the tears go.Letting them go now will better than at your parent’s doorway.Perhaps you do not shed tears, punch something safe to punch! 

Next; reach for your positive memory.Select one or two things that were special to you about the holidays at home. Was it music?  You know where the records are stored and you can retrieve them.Was a particular dish?  If you can’t bake it, there are people who can. Order it for pick up.That pick up trip could be an outing for you to share with the parent or a chance to give you a break during the visit.Perhaps it’s decorating you remember.  Think those items and prioritize.  You do not want to get everything out.Putting up a couple decorations is another activity you can share with your parent.  Resolve yourself to the new situation.  This will not be a holiday like the past it will celebrate the greatest present which is our presence with

“Thank you for your service.”

We greet troops with this phrase, but we do not have a phrase that recognizes and honors caregivers. Why not?  It’s easy to identify troops, since they wear uniforms.  It’s easy to identify new parents, or parents to be; they have babies or look pregnant.  It’s not so easy to identify caregivers.  You may be a caregiver.  Your neighbors or colleagues may be caregivers.  Many people who provide care to their loved ones do not even identify themselves as caregivers!  That is part of the problem. 

 

Identity comes in two forms, how others may see our role, or whether we see ourselves as caregivers.  You learned your new status when others responded to you in the past.  Remember the first day of school?  The first day you wore an engagement ring or wedding band?  These symbols not only identified you to others, they also signaled others to respond to your new role differently. Through those responses from others you learned how society saw your role, what people expected of you, and the ways you were honored for being a …… 

 

During World War I, a mother who had lost her son, started the Gold Star Mothers program.  She did so because it was a way of gaining recognition for those parents who had lost a child in battle.  Widows were honored, but it was not as clear for grieving parents.   Part of our support and help comes from those around us.  If those around us do not know of our special role, they cannot support, or offer any help to us in that role. 

 

Part of creating a caregiver program is recognizing when we, ourselves, are acting as “Silver Stars”.   More than in once a family member has told me, “I’m not really a caregiver because…..”    You may really be a caregiver.  Do you do the errands, grocery shopping, or bill paying for a family member?  Do you accompany a family member to medical appointments?   Do you tackle all those insurance/Medicare/ SSI forms?   Do you provide help with foot care, bathing, dressing, dental care, and assist with a love one’s mobility?   Do you worry about your loved ones who live far away?  Yes, you are a caregiver.  Recognize yourself first; you are a silver star!

 

How do we create our own “Silver Star” program?   Sometimes it is easier to see others doing caregiving.  Who is a caregiver in your social circle?  Just as we celebrate birthdays with friends and at work, how about a recognition luncheon at work or at church?  Many women wear corsages on Mother’s Day.  People wear black arm bands or torn black ribbons when in mourning.   What do you think caregivers should wear? November is national caregiver’s month.  This would be a good time to start a new tradition of recognizing (and supporting) the Silver Star caregivers around you?  Thank the caregivers around you for their service.

 

 

 

Is This the Retirement You Planned?

We form our ideas about retirement at an early age.  Even very small children soak up impressions  from elders and “store” them for later use.  As we grow up, we pull these impressions out of our mental closets and try them on.  Retirement is no different.   Our parents or grandparents had some sort of post-career experience and they provided you with a blue print.  Take a moment and think about your ideas or goals.  How many of them relate to your early experiences? 

How have your plans changed?  The Great Recession forced many people out of their career paths and into a retirement they did not plan.  New jobs may not pay as well and thus, require people to work longer past “retirement age”.     New jobs may mean learning new skills, returning to school, or making a move.   Those were not the typical experiences of retired people in earlier generations. 

 Have you heard this joke?  A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were discussing when life begins.  The priest said it begins at conception.  The minister said it begins at quickening.   The rabbi said life begins when the last child has left for college and the dog dies.   Notice that none of the clergy mentioned parent care.   We face an issue that our grandparents did not; a second helping of care giving.  It is as if the stork lands on our rooftops twice.  The first time the little bundle of joy is a boy or girl.  The second time it’s a bigger bundle: Congratulations!  It’s a parent!”

People who thought they would travel, pursue hobbies, or visit family find they are at home because one or more parents need their help.   How does one travel when mother might have an emergency while one is out of town?   Perhaps you now use your “leisure” time to do her laundry, pick up her medications, accompany her to the doctor, or do her grocery shopping.   Adult children will say, “Mother is fine”.  What they mean is the she is able to bathe, dress, and feed herself.   Care giving begins with these other tasks but it doesn’t end there. 

Adult children may think they do not need to make plans until later.   By “later” they mean, when mother requires help in the home.  Not true!  Not only is the parent getting older, so are you, the adult child.  As they age so do you.  If you need your health to travel comfortably, now is the time to go.  If you want to be the involved grandparent, the grandchildren are small now; they won’t wait.  How do you think you would pursue that hobby dream if you don’t get started now?  

Perhaps travel, hobbies, and visiting are just luxuries since you had to get a new job or stay on the job longer.  Caregiving is like taking a second job; one that expands with time.  Therefore, it is important to plan for the second helping of caregiving.  Make contingency plans, and talk with your parent about future arrangements.  Get yourself some space!  

Is there a drug store that delivers?  How about a grocery store delivery?  Is there a laundry that will do her clothes and deliver them?  

As you learned from bringing up your children, it’s better to train them from the start.  Start now with your parent.  Explain that they can get the drug store to deliver and that they can get laundry done commercially.  They will protest, saying that it is your job to help them.  Yes!  They’re right.  It will become your job in later years, but you need some time now for yourself.  When you finally can retire, or when the parent requires in-home care you will need to be there more.  Right now, your grandchildren need to see an involved grandparent.  Your community and congregation need you.  You need to take care of yourself in order to have the ability to take care of your parent(s) later.  This isn’t the retirement most people dream about but many find it is the one they have or will have.  Factor parent care plans into your retirement plans to be prepared.

The Caregiver’s Heart Has Many Chambers

I wise woman told me when I was a little girl; “The reason our hearts have many chambers is because we feel many emotions at that same time.”

Caregivers may feel that they are giving back to their parent, or expressing their love.    At the same time, they may feel other things: guilt because they cannot be there as much as the parent needs or wants.  They may feel despair because the parent does not “get better” despite their ministrations.  Caregivers may feel frustration at all the paper work, and follow-ups necessary to ensure the parent gets the care they need.   They may feel pulled in many directions: the house, the spouse, the kids, the job, the pet, and Mom!  They feel anger or resentment rising inside themselves when, for the umpteenth time, they have “step up to caregiving plate”.

What to do with all the emotionality?  First acknowledge your emotions.  What do you feel?  When?  It may even help to write these down.   You might say to yourself; ”I don’t have time to do this.”  You have mini-moments, like when you are standing in line at the grocery store or you are in the waiting room.  Take a mini-moment for yourself; tell your parent you need to make some lists.   They do not need to know what you are doing; you need to know what you feel and when.

Second; look at these feelings you have trapped on paper; they are stuck there.  You are looking at them because they are outside of you now. Most of us have a plethora of T.V. remotes; take an old in your hand with batteries out.  If it is too hard to look at these feelings push the “pause” button and take a deep breath.  If you need two deep breaths take two.  Mini-breaks are your right!  No matter how odd or disturbing, these were what you were feeling. 

Third; imagine yourself a movie director who has shot a number of scenes from your life.  Now, you are directing the creation of the movie.  Pick up the remote, choose a recent scene and mentally play it back.  If it gets too tough to replay, hit the pause button.  Remember, you are no longer the actor, you are the director: stop the scene any time you like.  You control this replay.  As the director, you can call for a rewrite and can ask the other actors to say different lines, or take different actions.  Rewrite the scene.  

Fourth, look at your rewrite.  What did you want the actors to say or do?   Are the other actors in your life unaware of the caregiving impact on you?  Are the other members of you family and colleagues unaware of the effects of caregiving on your situation?   Is it time to share your concerns?   Many caregivers believe they should do it all: REALLY?!    You’ve added caregiving on top of the house, the spouse, the kids, the pet, and the job.   Is it time to ask for help?  Take this test: put your right hand on your left shoulder.  Do you feel a cape on your back?  If not, perhaps you cannot “leap tall buildings in a single bound”.   Asking for help does not make you a bad adult child, a bad parent, or a bad spouse: it means you are not superman (supermom).  Nobody is.

Fifth, value yourself.  We greet members of the military by saying, “Thank you for your service”.  So I now say to you; “Thank you for your service”.   YOU are making an important contribution to our society!  Ask, even insist, on help from the other actors in your life.   They might not be as willing or do things as well but they will learn how and learn the impact caregiving makes.   They will appreciate your contribution.