What To Get For The Person Who Has Everything: Grandma.

The holiday season brings out the gift giving in us. Finding senior gifts presents special concerns.  Will she (he) actually use it?  What size is the person now?  How well will it launder? 

Will the senior actually use it; maybe or maybe not.  That old sweater looks like an eyesore to you.  To them it represents history.  Every tear and stain came from wearing it during prior experiences.  They are wearing memories, not the sweater.  We saw this sentiment in the war memorial to our most recent conflicts; the boots exhibit.  None of those boots were new.   A better present might be to help mend their favorite sweater or get it professionally cleaned.  Perhaps the item is beyond repair.  DON’T THROW IT AWAY!  Those well intentioned moves break your bond of trust.  Ask them to wear the new item for pictures and help them “store” the old one.

What size becomes an issue because most fashions, even big/tall sizes, assume a non-senior weight distribution.   Mae West said; “I used to be light as a snow flake; then I drifted”.   Just because the facility tells you that your senior weighs 150lbs, does not mean she will fit into a size 12 easily.  Does the senior wear Depends?  Those add girth.  Does the senior retain water in the lower extremities: that factor maybe important if you are buying slacks.  In contrast, their tops may be much smaller.  Does grandma still wear a bra?  If she only wears under shirts, those will shift the way a dress fits.  Mobility is also an issue.  When using a walker, the senior will bend over slightly making the front too long and it becomes a falls hazard.  Flowing skirts can get caught in a wheelchair’s wheels.  Long coats are especially hard to manage in and out of cars.  Get a car coat and put a lap robe over the legs during transport.

Laundry is always an issue.  If things aren’t marked, they disappear.  Even if they are marked, things evaporate.  Facilities do laundry for a crowd and can’t manage special handling.  Keep dry cleaned items  at your home.  You can always pre-deliver dry-cleaned items, properly marked, for grandma to wear for Christmas dinner.  Be aware of shrinkage.  I recently took a senior to a party.  She was wearing her own slacks but these were “high water”.   Know that the items will probably be laundered in very hot water and read labels.  Ask; some facilities have catalogues and will even help you make purchases.

What else could you do?   Ask the senior and/or facility if he needs/wants any clothing.  Consider other self-help aides instead.  How about a reaching devise for a person with limited mobility?  If they are still at home, consider installing security measures.  How about a gift for their pet?  Does the facility have a pet?  You can give them something to give to that pet.  The senior gets two gifts; one is the item, other is the ability to give something.  One does not always want to be on the receiving end of this process.

Give your senior the gift of yourself.  Do they really need more stuff?  You may ask yourself, how do I do that when I am extra busy at the holidays?  Here are a couple suggestions just to get your mental wheels turning: handwrite her favorite recipe on cards for her to send to the family.  Gather some old photos, get them digitized, and create a ‘slide show” in a digital frame for her room.  Take a family story and put it in a frame, or offer it to the facility bulletin.   Set up a skype conversation between the senior and a distant family member for the week between Christmas and the New Year.   Not on Christmas Day if possible.   Send a donation to a new organization she might like: Heifer International.  They will send a   If she listens to radio, try a donation or birthday sponsorship to NPR.

Is This The Last Holiday?

Whether we feel it intuitively, hear it from the doctor, or the senior herself, there comes a point when we must face the last holiday season with our loved one.While loss is a challenge any time of the year, but there is a special quality, like salt in a wound, when THE END comes around the holidays.I cannot know your journey, or the quality of your relationship, to your loved one, butI can only share some thoughts that come from both from my work, and from my family.

I was helping a daughter in the nursing home after a call came that her mother had passed.  Eventually, her roommate wheeled herself over to us.She spoke gently about her appreciation of her time with the mother.Then, she revealed that the mother had told her she had decided to “leave” a week before!  The mother had asked the roommate to pray with her about this. 

Her timing couldn’t have been worse for the daughter; she was still processing the initial shock.  Even though our loved ones often are ill before they pass, there is still that emotional impact of the annunciation.

Sometimes, our loved ones are worried about us and do not share us their final decision.However, they will “tell us“ in other ways.  Perhaps they tell a clergy person, a roommate, or a friend. From what I have seen, most adult children would have wanted to have that time to tell express their love.  Perhaps there are other things that needed to be said; “I’m sorry, forgive me, I forgive you, or you have shaped my life”.  When the family loses the opportunity to share these final words, it becomes another source of pain in addition to the loss.  On 9-11 we heard about all the calls, voice messages, and emails that were sent just before people perished. The was the most common phrase was, “I love you.” How can we preserve that final space for celebration of the last holiday?

Remember, you grew up with these people.  You know them in ways you cannot put into words.If you sense that this is the last holiday: give them permission to shape that final celebration.When they make an oblique reference to finality; don’t object – accept.  We may not decide when we are born, but 30 years with seniors have shown me how often people “decide” when they will die.   I have seen people who should have died, hang on until the child got married, or the grandbaby was born.Acceptance by family is hard, but it is crucial, especially during the holidays.  The senior seeks emotional permission to share.

It’s their (final) celebration; ask them what do they want to do?  The mother described earlier wanted to pray.  Another mother wanted to dance at her daughter’s wedding.We can acknowledge that this is an important time, for them and for us.  Perhaps we always….; fill in the blank.  Did you always collect them for a holiday dinner?  Decorate their room?  Bring special food?  Did the whole family come for a visit?  Just because it worked in the past does not mean it will work now. ASK. 

Perhaps lots of visitors are too exhausting.  Maybe less is more on decorating.  Perhaps a favorite dish is not good for their cholesterol: who cares?!   My mother had ice cream three times a day at the end. Why not?!

Mistakes I have made include rushing around my mother’s place and busily scrubbing my sister’s place.  In both cases that was not what they wanted.  My mother even said; “Stop it and sit down beside me!”  She used that voice I remembered from when we were children and getting rowdy.   When the Bible says, “the voice of God”, I know that voice, it came out of my mother and you had no option but to obey!

When my sister was stricken with cancer, I started to do it again. Then, I remembered my mother’s voice and stopped.Instead, I asked her if she would like to go outside.  It was November in Minnesota but it was a bright sunny day. She looked at me as though I had lost my mind!  I told her this was her special time and if she wanted it, I would do it.  Bundled up so only her face showed, I wheeled her onto the deck.  I brought out her favorite tea and cookies.  We just sat there, looking at the forest, the place where her garden had grown, and at the sky.   She remarked about the sky several times.   I let her lead the conversation until she looked tired.  I did not take her in until she gave me permission.  We took one last look at the sky.  

Home (?) for the Holidays.

There it is: the street where you grew up and the house coming into view.  All your memories flood back as you park the car and unload the bags.When you come inside, things aren’t the same.  No decorations and no special smells or music greet you.  Your parent is delighted to see you, but that is as far as it goes.

Holidays reveal the way things are now.  It takes extra effort to put up decorations and bake special dishes.  Your parent may no longer be capable of doing the extras.

 

Let’s talk about how that scene might make you feel.  It is hard to view your family home, which is both familiar and unfamiliar, in its lack of holiday efforts.Perhaps, in your heart of hearts, you had a feeling things would be different this year.  Perhaps, you even felt some physical symptoms as you reached the old neighborhood.Perhaps you felt irritable during this trip.The intuitive parts of us “records” small bytes of information from contacts with our parents earlier in the year.These impressions were stored away because the other parts of our lives are so busy.Impressions don’t go away because we grew up with these parents.We know them in depths we cannot put in words.  Your intuition is now comparing the way things were with the current data and flashing a signal to prepare you: heed the signal.Once you understand that these vague physical symptoms and irritations are signals they lose their power.  We answer phones, buzzers, and timers: this is just another signal.  You are not getting sick, but you may feel sick at heart.  Feeling a sense of loss is real.  Realizing things have changed is also real.  Feeling sad or lonely is real.

Here we are at the doorway; what do we do with all those feelings?The doorway is not the place to deal with the feelings.Let’s go back through the process, and look for times and ways to handle your feelings.When feelings “hit you” that this will not be a holiday like past years?We have all had to make a speech in class or some other nerve-wracking event and we all know how we reacted then.We are the same people now.Your feelings will hit you, plan for it.

Take a moment for yourself when you feel symptoms or irritation.Yes, take a moment for yourself.You are important.  You will not be able to cope with this process if you do not take yourself into account.If you are alone or semi-alone; put your pen down, take your fingers off the keyboard or put the cookie pan down.Feel the feelings.That includes shedding a few tears for some of us.Grab a tissue, a paper napkin on the desk, or a paper towel and let the tears go.Letting them go now will better than at your parent’s doorway.Perhaps you do not shed tears, punch something safe to punch! 

Next; reach for your positive memory.Select one or two things that were special to you about the holidays at home. Was it music?  You know where the records are stored and you can retrieve them.Was a particular dish?  If you can’t bake it, there are people who can. Order it for pick up.That pick up trip could be an outing for you to share with the parent or a chance to give you a break during the visit.Perhaps it’s decorating you remember.  Think those items and prioritize.  You do not want to get everything out.Putting up a couple decorations is another activity you can share with your parent.  Resolve yourself to the new situation.  This will not be a holiday like the past it will celebrate the greatest present which is our presence with

A Note Of Thanks For Caregivers.

Let’s give thanks for our care givers in this season of thanksgiving.   Who were your caregivers?  What special moments do you remember about them?  How did they influence your life?  A caregiver could also be a teacher, a neighbor, or someone in your religious community; all of them shaped who you are.  This is the season to show your appreciation.

 

Perhaps a caregiver helped you care for your parents in their final years.  It’s hard work and often not well paid.  Remembering them now would give them a huge morale boost.  Show them you valued their contribution.

Before we get too close the turkey-stuffing, let’s take a minute, write them a note, or send a Thanksgiving card.  Your former caregiver will be touched by your thoughtfulness and appreciate it more than yet-another Christmas card.   It’s simple, inexpensive, and priceless.

 

Taking time to send cards teach those who will become your future caregivers; your children.  They may roll their eyes, or just not say anything; you are still making an impression.  You are leading by example, the most powerful teacher.  Perhaps you can “just stop off for a quick errand at the card shop” after picking them up from sports practice.  

You could ask their opinion on selecting a card.  They may choose to stare intently the nearest digital screen, as they absorb your values by mental osmosis.  Boys as well as girls need to be exposed now the role of care giving.  Younger children may appreciate a chance to draw a picture for your former caregiver.   They will get more out of the experience if you tell them how that person shaped your life.   You are teaching your children, at any age, that this role is a part of the life cycle and part of their future role in the family and society.  Thank you to all our caregivers.

 

How Can You Celebrate? November is National Caregiver’s Month!

November is the beginning of the holiday season.  Although holidays are fun, they often carry their own stress.  There is extra baking, extra food, extra errand running, extra visiting, or extra people at your house, and then there is Mom.Or Dad.

Celebrate this year by considering the caregivers in your social circle.  Who are they? Offer to help. Sometimes caregivers don’t know what they can delegate or they assume they should do it all.  Suggest things you can do to help.  If you do not have suggestions, here are a few:

 

1. Offer to stay with the senior while the caregiver runs some errands.  If this is your grandparent, ask for their “help” to organize and label old photos.   

 

2. Offer to help get decorations out of the basement, or attic, so the senior isn’t climbing on ladders.    Perhaps you can help the senior decorate while she reminisces.              

3. Do the caregiver’s children, or grandchildren, sing in the same choir as yours?  Could you pick them up so the caregiver can concentrate on getting the senior to the performance?  Could you also take the children or the senior home?          

4. Offer to pick up the senior to bring them to Thanksgiving dinner so the caregiver does not have to leave during the preparation.  Take them back as well.                                               

5. Make spaghetti, lasagna, or some other special dish.  Bring it over as a “reserve dinner” for the day everything goes haywire, and the caregiver is at her wit’s-end.  I just make two of something and put the other one in a disposable pan, wrapped for freezing.

 

When you are the caregiver; “reformat” the holiday celebrations.This year will be different.  It is a new season in your life.  We respect those in mourning, or new parents.  Caregiving is actually a fulltime job, and you deserve respect for that status.

 

This is the year you ask others to contribute a dish, set up tables and chairs, or bring seniors to the Thanksgiving feast. 

 

This is the year that you un-decorate.  Close your eyes and picture your decorated home.  What are the first three things that come to mind?   Those are the only ones you do.  If the stair railing on does not get done this year; it’s fine. 

 

This is the year you un-bake.What are the three most important dishes/cookies/items you have done in the past?  Those are the only three you to do this year.  Enlist others.

 

Perhaps you always helped in your congregation or school with the holiday …..   This year you let everyone know that your situation is different; you are a caregiver.  Ask for a limited involvement.

 

 

This is the year to enlist young adults.  Call them young adults, not teenagers.  They need to assume some holiday responsibility.  This is the season you involve them in retrieving decorations, putting them up, driving their grandparents.  I brought my children into the kitchen and discovered my son is a better cook than I am!  He goes for Asian flavors such as teriyaki turkey: why not!  Expect some rolled eyes or extra concentration on the digital screen at first.  Be firm.  Present this as part of growing up; the flipside of privilege is responsibility.

 

Caregivers have a right to enjoy the holidays as much as anyone else, maybe even agreater right.  We honor your service in caregiving.

 

I Want Grandma To Come To My Wedding

Because my daughter is getting married in October, I decided to write these blogs about seniors and celebrations.

 

In ages past, seniors that survived were automatically included in celebrations.  We see this in one of Jane Austen’s novels in which the mother, and her unmarried daughter, are both invited to a ball.  Today, seniors may live in a different town, or a different facility.  Inclusion is not as automatic.  Yet, inclusion can heal.   Involving the senior in the celebration stimulates them, and gives them something to connect to younger generations.  I was speaking with a young woman who managed a celebration facility.   She said, “My grandmother was not at my wedding,” and there was a haunted look in her eyes. Another family imported the groom’s mother for his wedding.  When she passed away, those photos of all the generations on that occasion became priceless!   I was accompanying the grandmother and supported her (she used a walker) as we “danced” together.   I encouraged her grandson to also take her out on the floor.  Grandmother’s smile lit up the room.  That photo will light the future for her grandson. 

 

When families hesitate to include people with special needs it is usually due to practical considerations.  One family approached me saying, “We are not sure how to get grandma into the car.” Getting into a car is not the barrier it might seem to be.The question behind the car question is who, not how.  There are people who know how.    

 

When planning a celebration most families decide whom they want to attend.  The next question should be how do they want the attendees to participate?  As the M.O.B. (mother of the bride) I can share that my dress for the occasion does not include a cape.  I cannot leap tall buildings at a single bound; I’ve tried.  Put someone else in charge of that special-needs person for the occasion.  Whether is it’s a wedding, christening, funeral, or graduation; the more central you are to the process, the more you need to enlist others.   A caterer shared this story; the m.o.b. had to leave her daughter’s wedding celebration to take the grandmother home and help her get ready for bed.  We love our parents, but this is once-in-a-lifetime occasion, and should not be missed.

 

Celebrations follow a plan for the day(s).  Review that plan in light of the special-needs personnel.  When I reviewed a wedding plan with one family, they had not provided a lunch for the seniors.  One of them was diabetic.  Instead of scurrying at the last minute, there was time to make arrangements and assign someone to handle it. 

 

Bedtimes may be another issue.  If a special-needs person gets tired how are you going to take them home?  Enlisting someone at the last minute may create more problems than it solves.  Have they been drinking?   Would you, or your parent, feel comfortable going with them in that condition, in the dark?  Do they know the way to grandma’s home?   Is this person capable of helping grandma out of the unfamiliar clothing she wore for the occasion?  Does grandma feel comfortable allowing them to help?  How will this person do with medication administration or reminders?  Time to think about these things

 

All of the above considerations may leave you feeling as though it’s a project in itself.  Actually, I have found that families who considered these issues early on, faced the celebration much more calmly and could relax and enjoy your spec al people, with special needs on special occasions.

 

“I’m Not Going!”

I’m not going!   It’s the day of the celebration.  You have 50 things on your mind.  You have already handled 50 other things.   When you arrive, grandma is not ready, and she insists she ‘s NOT GOING!   What do you do now?

 

Let’s back up to the beginning when you planned the day of the event.  Did you assign a person to help grandma as well as bring her to the event?  Is this person someone with whom she feels comfortable?   Most important: does this person have any other duties that day? 

 

Why does this matter?  Because, when we are tense, it can be misread by the special needs person as a cause for alarm.   We see this in small children who react when the adults around them are all wound up.  It may have nothing to do with them, but they don’t know that and they react. When I approach a senior’s home, I take 2 minutes to take three cleansing breaths. I try to put whatever else I have on my mind onto my “backburner”.  A calm demeanor helps the senior to feel calm. 

 

The person assigned to help that day needs to have only those duties.   They need to allow extra time, and plenty of it. It may be necessary to “have a cup of tea and chat” before re-presenting the idea of attending the event.   It may be necessary to help the person voice any concerns they have about attendance by asking them to recall past events they attended, and then celebrate those successes.  Perhaps the attendant might need to make compromises on the spot; such as letting grandma wear a different (more comfortable) pair of shoes, and only put on the pretty ones when the pictures are taken.   The special needs person may need reassurance that bathrooms will be conveniently located, and that the attendant will track their pills, oxygen needs, or have the walker along in case they are too tired for the cane.

 

They may need assurance that they can exit when they need to do so.  This last part is the most important.  What we consider excitement may be sensory overload to them.  The sound of a chair scraping across a floor may cause an ear-splitting resonance through their hearing aid.  Offering the special needs person a measure of control over their participation will make things work more smoothly.   Grandma could sit in the hall while some of the pictures are taken, and come in when she needs to be in the picture.

 

Our busy lives run at greater speed than the routines of the senior’s own home, a retirement home, or a nursing home.  This day’s celebration represents a great change in routine for them.  That takes extra energy on their part to make these adjustments.

 

Special needs people already expend more energy on “ordinary things” than we do.  Do you roll out of bed?  How’s their ability to “roll?”  Do you hop in the shower?  Do they hop?  How much time does it take them to complete all their pills or other health-related routines?  What level of emotional energy does it take to manage hyper-alertness, or free-floating anxiety, if your special person is a returning veteran?  How many reminders do they need just to track through an ordinary day if the special person has memory problems?  This celebration is no ordinary day.

 

Now let’s return to the; I’M NOT GOING! situation.   What do you do?

 

 

 

First: get everybody out of the room; it’s just you and grandma.

 

 

 

Second: acknowledge the differences in today’s schedule, and offer to just sit and talk about their past events.

 

Third: find some point that was positive in past events they attended and celebrate it.

 

Fourth:  re-present the attendance idea obliquely, “I would like to look at the dress you got for today.”

 

Fifth; give them options such as wearing the dress but carrying the shoes.   Ask them how they want the hair done.

 

Sixth: TAKE YOU TIME!   Calmer moves will get you farther.  I have seen these delays last up to an hour or more to get things going.

 

Is This My Future?

A family member said to me that he was worried he would also develop Alzheimer’s like his relative.  My answer is not based on medical diagnosis, rather on observations over decades.  First, we must remember science marches on.  We are learning more every day about all forms of dementia as well as Alzheimer’s.  These conditions are definitely on the national radar.  The baby boomers are old enough to remember the fight to conquer Polio.  We found a way.  We can find a way to deal with dementias and Alzheimer’s.

 

Those in the caregiving, or “sandwich” generation, may sometimes experience episodes of forgetfulness.  We have a lot on our plates: the house, the spouse, the kids, the job,  the pet,  and also Mom!  That’s not Alzheimer’s, that’s “too much –heimer’s!”  Such episodes may be a signal to take something off your plate; delegation and improved self-care will help you cope.  You are valuable.

 

We are all products of two sets of genetic input.  Just because one parent had the condition does not mean both will develop it.    If your sibling has it, that still does not mean you are next.   Folk wisdom labels some children as “more like their father’s family” while others “take after their mother”.   We don’t just resemble out parents in looks; we also resemble them on the inside.  Remember the toy collidescope?  Each time we turned it, all the colored glass pieces shifted and the patterns could be radically different.  The genetic collidescope is somewhat like that; you are another turn of that wheel.

 

Research shows that lifestyle definitely influences outcomes on these diseases; drinking, smoking, diet and exercise make a difference.  Deep relaxation, such as meditation, or prayer, also seems to make a difference.   Social support is very helpful.  Assess your lifestyle; perhaps you can make some modifications to improve your chances.  What are you teaching your children about healthy lifestyles?  Your changes could make an even greater difference in their future health.

 

It’s very hard to look at our loved-ones as they evolve in ways we do not recognize.  President Reagan’s daughter’s book, The Long Good-Bye, describes part of that journey.  As we look upon them we are also mourning the loss of their company in ways we used to share.  Ask yourself, “Is this worry really my mourning in another shape?”  Give yourself permission to mourn because this loss is just as real.  Our society evolved ways to honor those who mourn loss through death; we need to develop ways to mourn other forms of loss.  

 

Who do you know facing such a loss?  Could you find a way to honor their mourning?  Can you raise this discussion about the need to offer mourning support to families of caregivers?  What about the care system in your house of worship?  A grassroots campaign to recognize, honor, and support caregivers will go a long way to creating the kindly society we all want.

For the latest research information on Alzheimer’s it is best to review the 

Alzheimer’s Association website: http://www.alz.org/

 

“Thank you for your service.”

We greet troops with this phrase, but we do not have a phrase that recognizes and honors caregivers. Why not?  It’s easy to identify troops, since they wear uniforms.  It’s easy to identify new parents, or parents to be; they have babies or look pregnant.  It’s not so easy to identify caregivers.  You may be a caregiver.  Your neighbors or colleagues may be caregivers.  Many people who provide care to their loved ones do not even identify themselves as caregivers!  That is part of the problem. 

 

Identity comes in two forms, how others may see our role, or whether we see ourselves as caregivers.  You learned your new status when others responded to you in the past.  Remember the first day of school?  The first day you wore an engagement ring or wedding band?  These symbols not only identified you to others, they also signaled others to respond to your new role differently. Through those responses from others you learned how society saw your role, what people expected of you, and the ways you were honored for being a …… 

 

During World War I, a mother who had lost her son, started the Gold Star Mothers program.  She did so because it was a way of gaining recognition for those parents who had lost a child in battle.  Widows were honored, but it was not as clear for grieving parents.   Part of our support and help comes from those around us.  If those around us do not know of our special role, they cannot support, or offer any help to us in that role. 

 

Part of creating a caregiver program is recognizing when we, ourselves, are acting as “Silver Stars”.   More than in once a family member has told me, “I’m not really a caregiver because…..”    You may really be a caregiver.  Do you do the errands, grocery shopping, or bill paying for a family member?  Do you accompany a family member to medical appointments?   Do you tackle all those insurance/Medicare/ SSI forms?   Do you provide help with foot care, bathing, dressing, dental care, and assist with a love one’s mobility?   Do you worry about your loved ones who live far away?  Yes, you are a caregiver.  Recognize yourself first; you are a silver star!

 

How do we create our own “Silver Star” program?   Sometimes it is easier to see others doing caregiving.  Who is a caregiver in your social circle?  Just as we celebrate birthdays with friends and at work, how about a recognition luncheon at work or at church?  Many women wear corsages on Mother’s Day.  People wear black arm bands or torn black ribbons when in mourning.   What do you think caregivers should wear? November is national caregiver’s month.  This would be a good time to start a new tradition of recognizing (and supporting) the Silver Star caregivers around you?  Thank the caregivers around you for their service.

 

 

 

Is This the Retirement You Planned?

We form our ideas about retirement at an early age.  Even very small children soak up impressions  from elders and “store” them for later use.  As we grow up, we pull these impressions out of our mental closets and try them on.  Retirement is no different.   Our parents or grandparents had some sort of post-career experience and they provided you with a blue print.  Take a moment and think about your ideas or goals.  How many of them relate to your early experiences? 

How have your plans changed?  The Great Recession forced many people out of their career paths and into a retirement they did not plan.  New jobs may not pay as well and thus, require people to work longer past “retirement age”.     New jobs may mean learning new skills, returning to school, or making a move.   Those were not the typical experiences of retired people in earlier generations. 

 Have you heard this joke?  A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were discussing when life begins.  The priest said it begins at conception.  The minister said it begins at quickening.   The rabbi said life begins when the last child has left for college and the dog dies.   Notice that none of the clergy mentioned parent care.   We face an issue that our grandparents did not; a second helping of care giving.  It is as if the stork lands on our rooftops twice.  The first time the little bundle of joy is a boy or girl.  The second time it’s a bigger bundle: Congratulations!  It’s a parent!”

People who thought they would travel, pursue hobbies, or visit family find they are at home because one or more parents need their help.   How does one travel when mother might have an emergency while one is out of town?   Perhaps you now use your “leisure” time to do her laundry, pick up her medications, accompany her to the doctor, or do her grocery shopping.   Adult children will say, “Mother is fine”.  What they mean is the she is able to bathe, dress, and feed herself.   Care giving begins with these other tasks but it doesn’t end there. 

Adult children may think they do not need to make plans until later.   By “later” they mean, when mother requires help in the home.  Not true!  Not only is the parent getting older, so are you, the adult child.  As they age so do you.  If you need your health to travel comfortably, now is the time to go.  If you want to be the involved grandparent, the grandchildren are small now; they won’t wait.  How do you think you would pursue that hobby dream if you don’t get started now?  

Perhaps travel, hobbies, and visiting are just luxuries since you had to get a new job or stay on the job longer.  Caregiving is like taking a second job; one that expands with time.  Therefore, it is important to plan for the second helping of caregiving.  Make contingency plans, and talk with your parent about future arrangements.  Get yourself some space!  

Is there a drug store that delivers?  How about a grocery store delivery?  Is there a laundry that will do her clothes and deliver them?  

As you learned from bringing up your children, it’s better to train them from the start.  Start now with your parent.  Explain that they can get the drug store to deliver and that they can get laundry done commercially.  They will protest, saying that it is your job to help them.  Yes!  They’re right.  It will become your job in later years, but you need some time now for yourself.  When you finally can retire, or when the parent requires in-home care you will need to be there more.  Right now, your grandchildren need to see an involved grandparent.  Your community and congregation need you.  You need to take care of yourself in order to have the ability to take care of your parent(s) later.  This isn’t the retirement most people dream about but many find it is the one they have or will have.  Factor parent care plans into your retirement plans to be prepared.